Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Kahlil Gibran
This post I write with gratitude and happiness as it coincides with my 10th wedding anniversary. And I take the opportunity to reflect on social work or activism as a profession while navigating through marriage.
The journey of growing and maturing over the years within my marriage unaided by examples
My field of work is peculiarly demanding. Under-paying. Rewarding in non-monetary terms. Often filled with contradictions.
And it has taught me many life lessons.
Regrettably, managing family and relationships is not one of them. It is not something I learnt from my work or profession at all.
I have often wondered about how or why I could not be inspired on the family front by most of those I considered my role models at a work front. Or peers.
Over the years, I observed that some in this profession have family structures that I could neither relate to nor desire for myself. Broken families, dysfunctional relationships or deep struggles. Being in a state of constant conflicts with their nearest relations. I have had my share of this, too. I understand it in my own way. But deep down, I knew I wanted a harmonious relationship within my immediate family. I did not want to battle and struggle outside, only to come back home and battle/struggle again with those whom I shared a roof with. Of course, there were other peers who had married someone of the exact same ideology, thought process or profession. But this would often resemble an echo chamber.
I knew I had to do something different in order to have what I desired: which is something that I could be proud of, when it came to family. And a family that was in turn proud of me.
And this is far from easy.
Respect from family or extended family members is not easy as a social worker or activist
Especially if you belong to a family immersed in Science Technology Engineering or Mathematics (STEM) fields.
These are families that produce engineers, doctors, lawyers, PhDs, scientists. Their reactions to an engineer-turned-social-worker often might be – “he/she is out of their mind!”. “Not making money, wasting energy on other people. Trying to solve their problems instead of progressing yourself.” And if you are political? “Brainwashed!” Many more insults and questions likely to come your way!
But to counter-balance it all, social workers have the blessings of strangers, of people and communities that we selflessly and sincerely work for. They compensate with love, respect and good wishes. I have secretly sensed these blessings protecting me on countless occasions through the years…
Family is one thing. But an intimate partner relationship (such as marriage) is entirely different.
Here are 3 quick things that I would offer to younger folks interested in social work but who equally desire a strong family.
- Connect and commit at many levels. Poverty, inequality, fighting for justice are important. These battles can be tiresome. It can suck the energy out of us. If this starts creeping into our relationship, (especially when partner is from a different field/thought process) it can get difficult. With time and maturity, this will get resolved of course. Having a rich, multi-dimensional personality helps not just our campaigns but our relationship too. We don’t have to agree about everything under the sun with our partners, remember? An even bigger mistake would be to judge one another adversely for views held. To truly make a change one would need to reach a place of vulnerability, humility, openness. And quickly passing judgements can be the exact opposite of that.
- Truly love and appreciate one another. Take help when necessary.: Love is simple. Love is an emotion. It is to be felt, to be expressed, to be shared. Not to be rationalised all the time. Love is not to be mixed up with politics or differences or hate. (esp the one overpowering/dividing this world!) Love has tremendous power. True love can absorb anything thrown it’s way. If there are hiccups, take every possible help. Keep working at it. This might sound cheesy, but at the end of the day, if there is enough love, it will survive. It will win. Understanding, peace and harmony will be achieved, even if there is an intense struggle getting there! Growing together is possible when both people in a relationship are fully committed to it. Being a social worker will not play a role. Moral arguments will not play a role.
- Relationships and social campaigns require completely different approaches. They must not be mixed up. As social workers and activists, we are often required to be unyielding in our campaign demands. This is widely considered a strength. A relationship, on the other hand, will require the opposite from us. Vulnerability, for one. Being our authentic selves, even with all our contradictions. We need to give things time to mature and recognise the incredibly diverse approaches that are required of us – private relationships vs public campaigns.
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I want to leave this here with lines that my mentor sent me on my wedding day a decade ago.
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
👍